Why I, a Man, Planned My Wedding

Why I, a Man, Planned My Wedding

11/13/2014 06:00:00 pm

"Everyone just assumes it's the bride's special day so she should be the one to pick everything, and I think that's a really antiquated view."

 

Jeremy Gorelick, 35, and Chantelle Schofield, 33, met at Johns Hopkins University in 1999, went their separate ways after college, and finally started dating in New York six years later. When they got married in 2010, Gorelick took on all the wedding planning duties. Cosmopolitan.com talked with Gorelick about how he did it.
I had a pretty strong hunch I'd be planning the wedding as soon as I proposed. I'm definitely much more of a control freak than she is. I think between her and me, her strength is not really the planning side of things. And so it was a good compromise for her to say, "You know what, there are other things in the marriage itself that I'm going to want to be a lot more active on, but this is just a day. And it's not worth us arguing on." She found her dress, but beyond that, almost everything else was up to me to pick and do whatever with. All our friends expected it. It wasn't really a shock.
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We both love libraries and the smell of old books, so I knew that it was important for us to get married in a library. So — because we both went to Johns Hopkins and lived in Baltimore — the Peabody Library at the Peabody Conservatory that's part of Hopkins has magnificent space with a terrific library that they rent out for receptions. I knew for the cocktail hour I wanted to have Peabody students there and, ideally, I wanted to have a harp player, so I interviewed all the harp majors in their third and fourth years and picked the one I thought was going to do the best job. I interviewed both DJs and bands, and tried to decide who would be the most appropriate for what I envisioned as far as music. Once I explained what I wanted, she said, "I think that that sounds absolutely great."
I would say I was trying to do "classy-elegant." The colors were between a royal and slightly darker blue, and gold as the offset color. I wanted to make it feel like an elegant affair where people would leave remembering that the food was top notch, the music was perfect, and that it was sentimental but not overly sentimental. And that everybody who needed to be recognized — i.e. wedding party, immediate family, or elderly — were appropriately recognized or respected. I would say we did that without a problem.
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I put together what I thought would be a reasonable guest list, and she looked at it and added a couple of names and crossed off a couple. We had about 120 people and I would say that family-wise, I had about 50 [guests] and she had about 30 [guests], and then friend-wise I would say that 75 percent of the couples were my friends and the other 25 percent were either mutual friends or her friends.
There was one thing [that] she was very vocal about and I was feeling the opposite and her idea worked out better. I said I wanted to do a full open bar and she said, "Pick five liquors that you think people are going to want to see. Other than that, let's have one red, one white, one blush that we feel would be good and pairs well with our food. Then we'll do three pitchers of cocktails that the bartenders can serve." And it was a great recommendation; I'm glad she made it.
The other thing – because I'm Jewish – I said we needed to be lifted up in the chairs. And she said that was something that she did not want to have happen. And I said, "OK so you don't have to be lifted up." And that's what happened. I was lifted up, my parents were lifted, my sister was lifted, but she said she just didn't want to do that.
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I've been so many weddings where I'd feel like, "Oh everything was great!" but then I made a list of all the times I'd say, "but I didn't like that…" I wouldn't have ever wanted to do a daytime wedding; I think an evening wedding is a lot more formal and something that I just think is the right way to go if you can swing it. I wanted to make sure there was the right balance between dancing and eating. One of the things I always hate is when I go to a wedding and I feel like everyone is very serious or somber, or at least not dancing — at a party! I'd go to some weddings and if the bathrooms are a walk away from everything that is happening, people end up congregating in other spots and everybody's not in the same room at the same time. I wanted to make sure that everything was as perfect for my vision that seemed to make the most sense as possible. All in all, it cost about $40,000.
I did get "groomzilla"-y in the last few weeks about some things. It sounded like the bird of paradise flowers that were going to be in the centerpieces were not going to be available, and I was flipping out trying to think of where else we were going to source them from. Also, in a Jewish wedding you get married under a canopy, under a chuppah, and I wanted it decorate in Chantelle's birth plant — holly for December — and my mine — morning glory. About a month and a half prior, I planted morning glory seeds. The morning glories were doing well, but in transporting them the blooms all began closing up, so I didn't have the right blue morning glory blooms and it looked just like vines. And I was really … I think that that was just, like, my final straw. And Chantelle's like, "Look, nobody even knows! This is such a non-issue, and I'm glad that this is something that you're getting worked up over because that means that everything else is pretty much right on schedule and perfect. Just go have a drink." And she was right.
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I think that my type-A obsessive personality was making it maybe a little less fun than it could've been during the few days leading up. And the way that I typically handle events or parties or anything else if I'm the one throwing them is I'll do everything I can to make sure that it is as well-prepped as possible. The second that things start, I am just gonna go with it. The first guests started to arrive and then the first people came and I was like, "OK. That's it. There's nothing else that I can do at this point."
Afterward, Chantelle said the only thing that was strange for her [was] that she was not as involved as she might have otherwise thought. There was nothing she would have changed other than being just a little bit more involved. I felt so satisfied and proud of how it all came together, and [she's] not going to feel the same level of accomplishment.
I'll go to weddings now, and people come up and say, "You know, this wedding was great, but your wedding was amazing." Every time somebody says that, Chantelle rolls her eyes.
I think everyone just assumes traditionally it's the bride's special day so she should be the one to pick everything, and I think that's a really antiquated view. I also think that a lot of guys have a hard time articulating exactly what it is they want and maybe don't know how to say,"Well, I'd like to see this or I'd like to do that." And then there [are] also some guys who just feel like it'd be too feminine to do it. I know that my sister is going to bridal fairs or everything else with my mother or with her best friends, and not with her fiancé. She said, "Well, that's just not what guys do." And I said, "Well, that's what I did." I don't see why it has to be relegated [to] the bride [to make] all the decisions.
courtesy by cosmo




 

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