Surviving an Affair: Is There a Future Without Repentance?

Surviving an Affair: Is There a Future Without Repentance?

12/27/2013 08:00:00 am
By D. Warner
Expert Author D. Warner
While re-building our relationship after my wife's affair, I asked myself - "what was the most important thing that I have needed her to do for me (and 'us') to help save our relationship?" Saving (or not saving) our relationship would have a huge impact on our children, wider family, social circles, religion, employment - realistically, almost everything. Was there really one definable act that of hers that could be the beginning of a new future together?
I now have several months of 'rebuilding' to look back on and for me; there has definitely been one act of hers that surpasses all others - repentance. The definition of repentance is, at its core, very different from just being 'sorry' or having 'regret'. The difference lies in that repentance is 'the act of turning from one's error and then actively working to not repeat it'. It is an act of personal change; not just the regret and accountability for their mistakes, but the whole-hearted desire to not walk that same path again.
It is both parts of repentance that make the difference while trying to recover from an affair. I don't believe a relationship broken by infidelity will survive simply by the adulterer apologising. If they genuinely mean it, every part of them - their words, actions, responses - need to show the resolve that they have turned away from their previous decisions and actions. Anything less feels just like a glorified apology, serving mostly as a 'band-aid' solution, most likely no solution at all.
I regularly refer to a quote I once read, not because it makes me feel good, but because it highlights how important repentance really is: 'Never regret anything because at one time it was exactly what you wanted'. In context, repentance is the admittance that we are/were in control of our choices and need/want ourselves to change. Simply wishing to make amends for our actions is not repentance, as it doesn't necessarily involve wanting to change.
Repentance from the adulterer creates a path for the next step of reconciliation - forgiveness. Without the first act of repentance, forgiveness will be difficult, if not impossible for most. Any relationship trying to re-build itself without repentance or forgiveness has no solid foundation and will inevitable fail. Any relationship involving an un-repentant spouse is not really a relationship at all.
What if the adulterer shows no signs of regret? How much time should you give them to sort themselves out? Obviously there is no single answer for this, but I would simply pose these questions: "Was their affair about you, or them? Is their lack of regret about you, or them? Is their unwillingness to concede a mistake about you, or them? Are they showing any evidence of putting you before themselves?" The decision becomes less about their choices and more about whether you wish to revive such a relationship. Their endearing qualities can be a distraction - you fell in love with them for a reason! If they continue to walk the same path that lead to the affair - what hope for a different future do you realistically believe exists?
Repentance and forgiveness establish a strong foundation for a new relationship. To continue to grow your new relationship, you both need to be selfless - to put the needs of the other person first. If you want to build a stronger, closer, loving & faithful relationship, you will need each other's support more than ever.
I have needed my wife to show me that she is no longer the person she was: to be honest; affectionate, communicative, patient - and show me that I am her priority. She needs me to comfort her when she grieves the years lost; to be patient while she comprehends the 'why' of her past choices; to understand her struggles with intimacy; encourage her as a mother - there is much more that could be added.
For me, one thing is certainly clear. If she hadn't repented - actively shown that she deeply regrets her actions and has turned her back on those ways - our relationship would not have survived.
Her repentance was the beginning of a new 'us'.
Surviving an affair:Learning to face each new day

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