By Loral Lee Portenier, PhD
How many articles have you seen, or even studied, where women are advised to make themselves attractive to the man, or type of man, they wish to marry? Do you think this is sound advice? Perhaps it is, but only up to a certain point.
On one level, you should be striving daily to live up to your own highest potential, thereby attracting a higher quality partner. But keep in mind that the focus is on you, on your dreams and goals, not on forcing yourself into some inauthentic version of yourself just to get the guy.
On another level it's actually disempowering advice because it's coming from a one-down position. It suggests that women automatically are inferior, that they need to come up in order to meet a man's normal standards. It also puts the onus on women to be the keeper of the relationship and if it doesn't work, the implied message is that she didn't try hard enough or do it the "right" way. The deficit lies with her.
This conventional advice generally is directed toward heterosexual relationships. But I submit that the following advice, while stated in heterosexual terms, applies equally to all relationships, regardless of gender orientation.
A solid relationship is based on equality. Therefore, not only should you be working on polishing your own wonderful self, but you should be asking yourself, "Is this man, in every way, my equal?"
That doesn't mean you both need to bring the same things to the table, but he needs to be willing and able to bring the same quality to the table that you bring. For instance, if you're working on your own personal evolution, it's reasonable to expect that he demonstrate that he's also committed to his own growth and development.
A successful relationship can be challenging to acquire and maintain, and having abundant similarities makes it easier to be happy and successful in your relationships. Therefore, look for someone with whom you share strong similarities in most areas of life. Look for a healthy overlap in belief systems, for instance, in wants and needs, underlying values, native intelligence, education, income, entertainment preferences, and life goals.
Romance and marriage are not the place to sell yourself short. To make do. To settle. So for each potential partner, always ask yourself, "Is this man, in every way, my equal?" Listen to your own wisdom, your own logic and intuition. The answer is there.
Loral Lee Portenier, PhD offers holistic depth coaching to support those who are striving to become their own highest and best Selves. Read more about what she can offer you athttp://SacredDreamsCoaching.com.
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