After various failed experiences in relationships you might decide the time has come, once and for all, to develop Self-Awareness and understand what might have stood in your way from cultivating a successful intimacy. Gaining self-awareness is indeed the first step in becoming able to develop a successful intimacy. The next, however, is to takeaction in order to cultivate such a relationship.
What kind of action is needed in order to develop a successful relationship?
As you develop Self-Awareness you probably become aware that a significant factor responsible for your relationships failure was, that you used automatic reactions and behaviors. These were driven by the many factors which have exerted power over you and drove you to react to and behave with your partners in harmful ways without being aware of the harm they cause and therefore without taking a step backwards to reflect, observe and change your modes of reaction and behavior.
When you become aware of this situation, and decide to stop acting in self-sabotaging ways, the action steps you need to take are simple:
1. You need to stop letting your automatic reactions and behaviors control you;
2. You need to choose and practice new modes of reaction and behavior, vital to cultivating a successful intimacy;
3. Giving yourself feedback: how easy/difficult is it for you to use the new modes of reaction and behavior; and whether there is anything else you might need to change.
Claire's example will be used as an illustration:
After experiencing many failed relationships Claire decides the time has come to understand, once-and-for-all, what might harm her relationships time and again. After consulting with a friend of hers she decides to take it upon herself to observe her patterns of interaction with her current partner Ed, as well as in retrospect previous relationships she has had.
As she observes, she realizes that her pattern of behavior is a sacrificing one: she always sacrifices herself "at the altar of the relationship". As she wonders what has driven her to develop such a pattern, it strikes her that from early childhood she internalized her mother's message that "you always must be there for your partner".
Reflecting over her interactions with Ed and with past partners, Claire realizes that indeed she has always succumbed to whatever her partners wanted, regardless of whether she wanted to or not. This pattern of behavior has eventually boomerang back at her and at her relationships, causing anger, frustration, conflicts and termination of the relationship.
Reflecting over her interactions with Ed and with past partners, Claire realizes that indeed she has always succumbed to whatever her partners wanted, regardless of whether she wanted to or not. This pattern of behavior has eventually boomerang back at her and at her relationships, causing anger, frustration, conflicts and termination of the relationship.
Having gained this awareness, Claire decides that she must change her self-sabotaging behavior. She is determines to begin now.
1. Stopping automatic patterns of reaction and behavior
When Claire and Ed go out to eat or to a movie, Claire reminds herself to be aware that she might react as usual: allowing Ed to make the decision. Since she has decided to change her sacrificing behavior, she decides to stop the automatic reaction of giving in and agreeing with his opinion.
Since Claire no longer wants to continue behaving the way she previously did, she decides to halt her habitual automatic reactions. Not to immediately agree to Ed's suggestions and decisions as she has until now; to consider what she wants and propose it; to take into account that he might react negatively, and to feel strong enough to deal with his reaction.
When you become aware that you tend to react and behave automatically, you can stop before you react to a particular situation - halting automatic patterns of the past - and choose new modes of behavior.
2. Choosing and practicing new modes of response and behavior
Claire understands that she shouldn't make a radical change in her behavior - she doesn't want to change from a loving partner into a demanding one. She also doesn't want to chase Ed away. She believes wholeheartedly in her relationship with him. All she wants is to reach more balance.
For that reason, and feeling self empowered, she decides to practice slight changes in her reactions and behaviors. Instead of agreeing to everything he wants and suggests, she begins to be a bit more assertive. She's suggesting things, expressing her opinions. She's doing it slowly but consistently.
When you develop Self-Awareness and become aware of the ways in which you have sabotaged your relationships until now, you can begin to practice new responses and behaviors; to remind yourself, time after time, not to do anything automatically or in a fixed way just because you are used to. You are rather consciously choosing to practice new responses and behaviors.
Trying new modes of response and behaviors requires that you get up the courage to break through old habits and routine. You might feel insecure about trying something new - but at times this is the only good option available to you if you truly wish to be able to develop and maintain a successful intimacy.
At times it might be advisable for you to begin practicing tiny changes that aren't too threatening either to you or to your partners, and to slowly progress to more substantial ones.
3. Giving yourself feedback
Claire is slowly but consistently practicing her new assertiveness. She's beginning to make suggestions, express her opinions and stand up for her wishes. She observes Ed's reactions and pays attention to her own feelings. When she feels that there is more sharing and mutuality in their relationship, she allows herself to suggest yet more things.
Claire is practicing a change in her behavior. She continues with her own journey to self-awareness, slowly but surely discovering greater assertiveness within herself. She's observing herself and examining how she feels about her new behavior; whether it arouses any anxiety within her; whether she's considering going back to old patterns; whether her new behavior is encouraging her to continue expressing herself.
Feedback means that you observe yourself and pay attention to how you feel about your new reactions and behaviors. You identify the feelings you have about the changes that you have initiated and about the results you have achieved. You identify the fears that you may still have. You get in touch with the feeling of inner strength that you have acquired. All these serve as feedback to you.
As you develop Self-Awareness and realize how we have harmed your relationships until now, you can begin to changing old, damaging behaviors, and choose more effective ways to find and cultivate a healthy and intimate relationship.
A word of caution:
If you are currently in a relationship going through the process of change, your partner might feel threatened; afraid that you are not the person he/she knows. But as long as you remember that in the long run, you are changing in order to have a better, more satisfying relationship (either with the current partner or with a new one), you will go ahead with the changes.
Exercises to help you develop Self-Awareness and move on to developing a successful intimate relationship
The simple exercises intend to help you develop Self-Awareness and identify those factors which might have driven you to sabotage your relationships. Identifying these enables you to de-activate the power they have exerted over you. Being honest with yourself in doing these exercises will enable you to pinpoint the specific areas which have harmed you and move on the making the necessary changes.
1. Identify several factors which might have controlled you and driven you to harm your relationships? (Such as: messages you internalized; fears you might have):
2. Observe and describe the ways in which these factors affect your thoughts, feelings, reactions and behaviors (whether in a relationship or keeping you away from having one):
3. Observe and describe the connection between your thoughts and feelings and your reactions and behaviors.
4. Describe the actions you need to take in order to be able to develop a successful intimacy:
Doron Gil, Ph.D., a university teacher, conselor and consultant, specialized in the connection between Self-Awareness and Successful Intimate Relationships. In his book: "The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship: Understanding Why You Fail in Your Relationships Over and Over again and Learning How to Stop it! " Dr. Gil explains, using more than 200 real-life anecdotes, how being unaware sabotages relationships and teaches how to develop Self-Awareness: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Awareness-Guide-Successful-Intimate-Relationship/dp/143925141X/
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Doron_Gil,_Ph.D.
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