They're never as hot as you think they'll be. Illustrations by Jenny Yuen.
By Frank Kobola
The Ignorance Is Bliss
Two
people log on to a nearby computer and surf popular adult meet-up site
Craigslist for a potential third person. Take dick picks. Slowly realize
that the type of people that volunteer for anonymous sex on the
Internet aren't really the kind of people you want to let into your
home. Book a hotel room.
The Eager Beaver
This
is exciting! Start simple with a three-way make out. Think about how
this isn't really that weird. Ignore the fact that this is the kind of
stuff kids do when they play truth or dare and you've done nothing
intense yet.
The Point Of No Return
Get
naked. Ignore the pangs of doubt that this will actually be sexy and
focus on the fact that you're three people! Naked! In a room together!
Wonder what to do next.
The Third Eye
Start
having sex with one person, but keep accidentally making eye-contact
with the other person. Try to figure out what they're thinking right
now.
The Fulcrum
Make
a half-hearted attempt to be included by wedging yourself into the
other two people's missionary sex. Get yelled at. Feel confused.
The Letter Home
Text
your parents and tell them you love them while your partner 69s a
stranger. Finally accept the fact that this once-fun sex experiment has
become you being locked in a room while your partner has sex.
The Existential Dog
Oh, this is kind of good. But is it bad that you like it? Consider the future.
The Informal Evacuation
Decide
to leave. On your way out, make a mental note that your partner and
sex-friend don't even notice. Announce loudly that you're leaving, and
ask if anyone wants anything.
The Sad Transient
Chill
on the couch and listen to all the sex noises. Mindlessly finger
yourself because you're still kind of horny. A more advanced technique
is to flip through channels without actually watching anything.
The Aggressive Cricket
Rejoin
the party, and try to figure out what you can do that will turn the
third person on. Your partner seems to be taking care of most of it, so
settle for rubbing thighs.
The Self-Doubting Frog
Crouch
over your partner's face while they have an intimate moment with a
stranger in an attempt to get involved. Stay in this position until you
suddenly get self-conscious about your butt.
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Insecurities.
Stand
off to the side while your partner kind of holds your hand and has sex
with someone else. Wonder if this sex is better than the sex you have
with them.
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