How to Survive an Emotional Affair

How to Survive an Emotional Affair

12/27/2013 09:30:00 pm
By Raychel Chumley
Expert Author Raychel Chumley
Is it possible for a marriage to recover from an emotional affair? Yes... with a lot of work, time, prayer, and forgiveness. Let's explore the steps it takes to overcome and heal from this kind of betrayal and other traumatic events in your marriage.
There are some steps you can implement to start the road towards healing and recovery. These steps are not easy but it is possible when both spouses are committed to rebuilding their relationship.
1. Give Yourself Time
No matter what kind of emotional trauma you might have experienced in your marriage it is ludicrous to think you can recover and heal quickly. Truthfully, it can take YEARS to heal from an emotional affair for both spouses. The time line is different for every couple.
The pain and the emotions you have to deal with will be excruciating. This is not a simple six week process of "I'm sorry, please forgive me." and you move on with your lives in happiness. You will need to give yourselves time to not only deal with the circumstances that led to the affair in the first place but the emotional turmoil you are facing now in the aftermath.
Don't give yourselves a time limit or become discouraged because you want to start feeling better yesterday. It doesn't work that way. Relationships take work and fixing a broken relationship takes time.
2. Seek to Understand
Learn everything you can about infidelity and why it is so hard to overcome. There are so many biological components in play when you are dealing with this kind of situation. This is why many experts believe an emotional affair is much more dangerous than a physical affair.
The brain chemistry that is affected when we become infatuated with someone can cause you to do crazy things you wouldn't do under normal circumstances. It is like someone being addicted to drugs or alcohol-it affects the brain the same way!
"Love is a drug. The ventral tegmental area is a clump of cells that make dopamine, a natural stimulant, and sends it out to many brain regions [when one is in love]... It's the same region affected when you feel the rush of cocaine." (Helen Fisher "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love")
Ask any cocaine addict how easy it is to get clean and sober and you will start to understand what you are up against when you try to heal from an emotional affair. The more you learn, in a safe and caring environment, the more you can heal.
3
. Extend Forgiveness
You will have to deal with forgiveness some time along this journey. This was probably the most difficult step for me... and the one I put off the longest. I couldn't deal with the overwhelming sense of failure I felt about myself. I felt I was not worthy of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is huge! So many couples get stuck on this issue. They refuse to forgive and are slowly killing themselves from all the pain and bitterness they stuff inside. Un-forgiveness is a destroyer of relationships.
Here are a few things you need to keep in mind when you are going through the process of forgiveness:
Forgiveness is not forgetting. But it is choosing to limit how often you remember the offense.
Forgiveness is letting go of resentment. You do not heal in order to forgive; you forgive in order to heal.
Forgiveness is not seeking revenge.
Forgiveness is God's way of stopping the cycle of abuse. They are still hurting you. Forgiveness is how you stop the pain.
Forgiveness is agreeing to live with the consequences of another person's sin.
Forgiveness is a choice and a process. Your feelings do not have to align with your willingness to forgive. You can make the choice to forgive long before you feel like you want to.
4. Identify Triggers
Triggers are things that happen in your everyday life that bring up memories or emotions from the affair. It can be a song, a food, a place, a name, a situation, a smell, certain subjects, or anything that reminds you of that time in your life.
Triggers can happen for both spouses even when only one of them had the affair. A trigger can be as simple as a husband saying "I love you" to his wife and all she can think about is how often he said that to the other woman. A wife could have a memory triggered every time she drives by a certain restaurant or hears a specific song on the radio.
You have to identify and recognize your triggers if you are going to heal from the affair. Triggers can be unpredictable; but, the more prepared you are the better chance you have of moving past it quickly instead of becoming preoccupied with the memory it brings. Preoccupation keeps you always having a "Back-Up Plan" in case things don't work out with your spouse.
Final thoughts...
To the one reading this whose spouse had an emotional affair I would like to say something to you. Understanding & forgiving your partner, giving them time, and allowing them to feel the emotions they need to process is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Understanding in the midst of betrayal is not easy! Nothing about this process is easy.
It is not easy to watch your wife cry over another man because she misses the relationship. It is not easy to have your wife reject your advances and affection because she no longer knows how to connect with you emotionally. It is not easy to stand by your husband as he publicly declares his infidelity and betrayal. It is not easy to remain strong in the face of countless nay-say-ers who think you are an idiot for staying with your cheating husband.
It is not easy but it can be done. I know this because I've walked this road. Countless others have walked this road and you are not alone. Don't go it alone! Get a support team, a prayer team, and enlist a professional to help you and your spouse navigate this messy road.
Raychel Chumley is the owner and CEO of This Beautiful Life Coaching & Counseling. She is a Counselor & Marriage Coach, Writer, Radio Talk Show Co-Host, Speaker, and heads the Counseling & Care Team at her local church. After surviving an emotional affair and postpartum depression, Raychel is on a mission to spread a message of hope and redemption.
Visit --> http://www.thisbeautifullifecoaching.com <-- to learn more about Raychel, her products, her services, and to get a FREE download of her eBook "Simply Beautiful: Your First Steps Becoming the Woman You've Always Wanted to Be." Get this FREE guidebook to learn your first steps to creating a beautiful life and marriage. A 17 page eBook, absolutely FREE!

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