Not being true to yourself often harms your relationships. Unfortunately, you might think that in order to have a successful intimacy you need to ignore your own will and desires, and not express what's really on your mind. But not being to yourself might have sabotaged your relationships.
Is there anything that you can do about it?
Developing Self-Awareness will enable you to understand the reasons which prevented you from being true to yourself in the past, and realize how these harmed your relationships. You then become motivated to get up the courage to be true to yourself: become authentic and genuine and behave according to what feels right to you, out of a sense of personal empowerment and self-worth. This enables you to develop and maintain a successful intimacy.
Why being true to yourself is vital to a successful, intimate relationship?
The following two examples will provide the answer:
Jill meets Dave twice a week. She likes getting together and enjoys their dates. The rest of her week is filled with hobbies, meeting her girlfriends, work and studies. Even though Dave tries to persuade her time after time to meet more often, she's firm: she tells him she loves him, but there are many other activities going on in her life.
Jill enjoys her relationship with Dave, but at the same time respects her own needs and desires and continues with the activities she enjoyed prior to meeting him. Doing so ensures that they will continue having a satisfying and healthy relationship.
Ellen and Gaby are celebrating their first anniversary. In comparison to previous relationships she's had, a year is a long time for her. What enables her to be with Gaby for a year is that now she's true to herself, knows what she wants, is authentic, expresses her will and desires - something she never allowed herself in past.
Being true to yourself enables you to be "who you really are", and develop a healthy, intimate, successful relationship.
How can you become empowered to be true to yourself?
If you haven't been true to yourself for a long time, you often don't know how to behave according to what is right for you. The way to begin is through self-awareness - understanding what has kept you from being authentic until now - and getting up the courage to change and practice new behaviors in line with your true self.
Caroline's example throughout this article teaches how to become empowered to be true to yourself.
Gaining understanding
Caroline always had relationships that were not mutual, in which she tried to satisfy the desires of her partner without thinking of her own. Even so, she stayed until her partner initiated a separation.
When Caroline began observing herself and developed self-awareness, she realized which fears and needs controlled her. She then understood what she was losing by not allowing herself to be authentic.
Self-awareness enables Caroline to understand how she has hurt herself until now. She decides that from now on, she wants to be true to herself, expressing her will and behaving in line with what feels right to her.
Getting up the courage to be true to yourself
When Caroline meets Leonard, the insights she has gained enable her to get up the courage to stick to her opinions and desires, stating what she really wants.
Practicing new behaviors in accordance with your authenticity
Caroline practices new behaviors with Leonard: she expresses her opinions, desires and requests. The more self-confident she becomes, the more free she feels to be "who she really is".
Understanding what you "win" and lose when you are not authentic increases your motivation to start behaving according to your true self.
How does being true to yourself enhance your relationship?
Being true to yourself enables you to:
Bring your authentic, genuine self into the relationship, expressing your uniqueness
Caroline always liked painting nude portraits. She felt she could express herself that way and even attended a few workshops on the subject.
When she began going out with Leonard, he pleaded with her to stop going to the workshop and spend as much time as possible with him. Caroline considered whether or not to accede to his request, and decided not to. She felt that painting nude portraits enabled her to give expression to her sensuality.
Being true to herself gives Caroline a renewed sense of empowerment, vital to cultivating a healthy and intimate relationship.
You, just like Caroline, are unique. You express your uniqueness through different ways of thinking and behaving. The expression of your individual uniqueness, in whichever way, is important for your sense of well-being and empowerment.
Being true to yourself enables you to:
Being true to yourself enables you to:
Behave in ways that feel right to you, relying on your senses
Caroline wakes up on Saturday afternoon feeling that she wants to be by herself. During the last two days she was busy with issues at work that didn't leave her a moment to listen to music, read a book, write in her diary or paint.
When Leonard calls to suggest that they meet that evening, she hesitates for a moment. She knows that he might be hurt if she declines. But she feels that it's right for her to stay home by herself. She explains to him that while she loves being with him, she feels the need to be by herself.
Caroline is connected to her inner voice. She feels that it's absolutely right for her to stay at home alone. At the same time, she shares her feelings with Leonard, stating that her desire to be by herself doesn't mean any hard feelings against him.
When you are in touch with yourself, you intuitively know what is right or wrong for you. You give your partner what feels right to you, what you want and are capable of, and not as a response to requests or demands.
Being true to yourself enables you to:
Being true to yourself enables you to:
Communicate openly with your partner
Empowered and doing what's right for her, Caroline feels comfortable sharing her thoughts, needs and feelings with Leonard.
When you, like Caroline, are true to yourself, you are capable of sharing your thoughts, feelings, fears, needs and choices with your partner, knowing that it's possible that his/her opinion will be different from yours. You also allow yourselves to ask what you want to receive, knowing that for his/her reasons, your partner may not want or be able to give.
Being true to yourself enables you to:
Set clear boundaries
Caroline begins to set clear boundaries in the relationship that she's developing with Leonard. She knows what's right and what's wrong for her; what she agrees to and wants to do and what she doesn't. She feels capable of developing an authentic and intimate bond and has the inner strength to decide to leave if she'll realize it isn't suitable for her.
Being empowered and true to yourselves enables you to set clear boundaries regarding what feels or doesn't feel right for you, and act accordingly, rather than being driven by fears and needs.
Being true to yourself enables you to:
Take responsibility for your behavior
At the end of a long weekend, when Leonard suggested that they sleep at his place Caroline agreed. Once inside, and after stretching out on the couch with a glass of red wine, he suggested they watch a porn movie on. Caroline didn't feel in the mood for it, and said so.
When you have the courage to be true to yourself you can behave out of strength and not out of fear, knowing that if your partner doesn't accept or like your will/desires and reacts in a negative way, you'll know how to cope with it. You are willing to take responsibility for your behavior, instead of hurling accusations at your partner as you might have done in the past.
Being true to yourself enables you to:
Acknowledge your worth
Caroline respects her instincts. She feels empowered, confident in whom she is, acknowledging her worth and behaving the way she feels is right for her.
Caroline understands that when she's true to herself, she behaves out of personal worth and self-respect. Rejecting Leonard's request to watch a porn movie together doesn't mean that she's rejecting him, but that she's behaving according to what feels right to her at the moment.
When you, like Caroline, behave out of a sense of personal worth and self-respect, you are true to yourself. You don't sacrifice yourself out of fear that your partner will get angry at you, won't accept you or will abandon you.
Being true to yourself means: being in touch with your desires and needs, regardless of whether you are on a first date or in a long-term relationship; behaving in ways that seem right to you and not according to what you think is accepted by society or expected by your partner.
Tip on how to proceed from here:
Not being true to yourself often harms your relationships. As you develop Self-Awareness you begin to understand the reasons which prevented you from being true to yourself in the past, and realize how these harmed your relationships. You then become motivated to get up the courage to be true to yourself: become authentic and genuine and behave according to what feels right to you, out of a sense of personal empowerment and self-worth. This enables you to develop and maintain a successful intimacy.
Doron Gil, Ph.D., a university teacher, conselor and consultant, specialized in the link between Self-Awareness and Successful Intimate Relationships. In his book: "The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship: Understanding Why You Fail in Your Relationships Over and Over again and Learning How to Stop it! " Dr. Gil explains, using more than 200 real-life anecdotes, how being unaware sabotages relationships and teaches how to develop Self-Awareness: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Awareness-Guide-Successful-Intimate-Relationship/dp/143925141X/
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